I’m announcing here that I am suspending my candidacy for President of the United States of America and endorsing Kamala Harris for President.
Well, the first part is a joke. The second is not. I had no doubt about the ticket heading into the convention. I guess I couldn’t have less doubt now, but I have gained enthusiasm from it. More later.
Completing the final stages of my move. Too much work, not enough time – to write a post. Next week should be less hectic. I hope to make the next post worth your while.
Traveling back and forth between central and eastern Iowa so many times this last month (moving to and from) has provided me with ample opportunities to enjoy the magnificence of its Summer landscape, various farm crops and animals, and wildlife. Rolling on a hybrid of four-lane and two-lane highways brings me closer to nature than does the interstate system, while getting me to my destinations in a reasonable amount of time.
I was accompanied this past Tuesday by Ben, my son’s stepson, for company and assistance in packing and transporting some of my belongings. As a tall, strong thirteen-year-old, I knew he could handle laborious and heavy tasks that I either could not or did not want to tackle by myself.
A huge brown owl provided our first surprise entertainment when we had to backtrack to help out my son’s being stranded at a car rental store. It launched itself from a large tree just right of the two-lane, flying directly overhead as it crossed the road. Magnificent! I rarely see owls, even while hiking in the woods. They blend in so well and perch so still as they survey the forest floors for the many rodents that scurry through the undergrowth, brush and fallen leaves. What a sight to see with wings extended in full regale!
Having crossed over the Iowa River at Coralville Reservoir several times over the past few weeks, I was aware that this is the time of year for the late summer pelican migration. There is an Audubon outlook on the north side of the lake, on the road to East Amana, with plaques that describe these huge, majestic, white and black wetlands birds, and their migration patterns. If you are reading this and in the area, Sunday is the Annual Pelican Festival that takes place at the outlook.
On Tuesday, as Ben and I were crossing over the reservoir area, I began to describe the festival when we spotted between 50 and 100 birds at water’s edge, while some flew low and slow as they glided in for their landings. And if you have ever seen a pelican squadron soaring high above the earth, you know how they shimmer white, then disappear against an azure blue sky, only to reemerge as the entire squadron changes direction, white wings fully extended and synchronized, reflecting the light of the sun. It is truly an amazing sight in nature.
Now fully loaded with boxes and totes, we backtracked our route to central Iowa. A very routine drive is interrupted only by a five mile stretch of two-lane on a four-lane highway under construction, and the periodic threat of rain or storms that typically build out of the west.
This day was different. Not far from where Mr. Owl surprised and excited us several hours earlier, a Red Tail Hawk flew just above car level and across the road in front of us pouncing on an unsuspecting rodent in the median just to my left. If you’ve ever witnessed such an event, you know how the hawk appears to revel in its victory and upcoming tasty feast – unless it is saved for its young in a nest perched somewhere in a dead or dying tree.
Birds, and particularly birds of prey, are a highlight of any day during which I have the blessing of witnessing them soaring, hovering, and hunting. The majesty of pelicans, cranes, and herons exemplify the wonder of regal flight. The kind of flight I have only dreamed of, mastering the breezes, pondering our magnificent world below. I can hardly wait for my next magnificent bird adventure.
While visiting family I find myself not only in different surroundings, but with different stimuli while on an elevated deck contemplating the universe.
My first encounters were with subtropical weather. High humidity, higher heat, the build up of rain-filled clouds during afternoons and evenings, sometimes precipitating overnight. Everything is lush and green, not unlike home, but in the hills of Georgia, tall trees are prevalent, reaching for the comforting embrace of the firmament, surrounding the houses and streets, hiding much of the sky that I normally see at home.
As I looked up between the towering foliage I saw the sky – our atmosphere – in a way that I don’t remember realizing before. Like a 60-mile thick blanket it warms us. It cools us, nourishes us, and protects us from external universal forces that would otherwise make life on earth impossible.
As the building, billowing clouds mixed with the azure sky framed in tall pine and tulip trees, I somehow understood our earthly blanket’s lifegiving significance. At the same time I felt that it, as other living beings on earth, is threatened by how humanity treats this unique, amazing phenomenon. It left me simultaneously in awe and in fear.
Returning to the deck on another afternoon, life touched me in a very different way. A dragonfly landed in a potted orange tree next to me. I was struck not only by its beauty, but also by the complexity of its body, by its wing structure, transparent and framed in blue , and the attachment to its torso. Its eyes and mouth (basically its face) conjured human-like attributes. What an amazing being. What an amazing manifestation of life on earth!
When I moved it flew, only to return in seconds to the same or nearby branch, staring at me and I at it. So I spoke to it. It seemed to nod in understanding as I expressed my appreciation of its beauty and life force. Again it flew. Again it returned. I decided to approach it directly from ahead. I extended my hand. It stayed. I touched its hair-thin black legs. It stayed until I tried to lift them in hopes of having it transfer to my finger. It flew.
Walking away to the other end of the deck I felt so in touch with life on earth. I thought, wouldn’t it be wonderful to become so aware and connected to life on this earth that, in the end, I would simply fade away into it, mixing my energy with the plants and animals, the air and the sky. Finally, I would be one with life on earth. Maybe I already am.
The Moody Blues songs continue to affect me as I travel this Amazing Journey (The Who). Since I was a teenager who purchased his first album, To Our Children’s, Children’s Children (The Moody Blues), at the recommendation of my good friend Sam, The Moody Blues lyrics have paralleled my path in life time after time. This week was no exception.
Actually, I was searching for another song by The Moody Blues as I was driving between my new residence and my former residence (more on that later), one which I cannot remember now. I thought maybe it was on The Seventh Sojourn, not one of my favorites of their albums. Though it was not on that album, I listened to New Horizons. Once again, The Moody Blues came through with meaningful words that describe at least some of what I am thinking and feeling.
Well, I’ve had dreams enough for one And I’ve got love enough for three I have my hopes to comfort me I’ve got my new horizons out to sea
But I’m never gonna lose your precious gift It will always be that way ‘Cause I know I’m gonna find my peace of mind Someday
Where is this place that we have found? Nobody knows where we are bound I long to hear, I need to see ‘Cause I’ve shed tears too many for me
But I’m never gonna lose your precious gift It will always be that way ‘Cause I know I’m gonna find my peace of mind Someday
On the wind, soaring free Spread your wings, I’m beginning to see Out of mind, far from view Beyond the reach of the nightmare come true
Well, I’ve had dreams enough for one And I’ve got love enough for three I have my hopes to comfort me I’ve got my new horizons out to sea
But I’m never gonna lose your precious gift It will always be that way ‘Cause I know I’m gonna find my own peace of mind Someday Someway
David Justin Hayward
Over two plus years without my Pam, I have had to look for new beginnings, new meanings – new horizons, in hopes of leading a fulfilling remainder of my time here, and honoring the life of an amazing woman with whom I was fortunate enough to be married. I’ve struggled with feelings of loss, anger, sadness, and longing as I mourn Pam’s life lost and my life without her. Is she still in the house with me? Does she go where I go? If I make changes will she still be with me?
After over a year of contemplating a move to be closer to family, I finally made the decision to put my house on the market and move to an apartment close to my son. Literally – a new horizon!
View From the 4th Floor Deck of My Apartment
Among my recent epiphanies is the fact that Pam is with me wherever I go. Though I am reminded by places and things, I am not dependent on them for remembering her nor staying connected. Additionally, I realized that my efforts to resurrect my music in her honor have proved to ingrain her in my playing. It’s not just when I play the songs I wrote for or about her. She is inveterate in all of my music. I constantly feel her with me as I practice and perform. What a gift!
Our world is full of complexity and doubt; doubt for our earth, doubt for our government, doubt for the safety and welfare of our children and grandchildren. I am thankful for new horizons and the hope they inspire. I am thankful for Pam’s inspiration to be all I can be, even after her passing. Another gift!
Thursday would have been Pam’s 73rd birthday. She did not quite make it to her 71st. As with other special calendar events, this one was difficult for me and other family and friends who loved her. We hate the loss. But we are also inspired to flourish in our lives because she wanted the best for us. And so she lives on.
May you find some peace of mind in this knowledge.
My ears were subjected to a cacophony of sounds as soon as I opened the car door. I knew immediately that it was cicadas. I’d heard a few at home, but nothing like the constant noise I heard from the parking lot at Squire Point. Returning after several weeks of on and off travel, it was great to be back. But the sound!
Having donned my boots and trekking poles, I set off to enjoy the trail. Last autumn’s prescribed burn coupled with ample spring rain allowed the undergrowth amongst the trees to flourish in stature and color. Patchy sunshine filtering through the majestic, aged trees dappled shades of greens and browns on trees and undergrowth alike.
But the sound. It didn’t take long to identify three distinct types of cicada music. The constant background of whining permeated the forest. Difficult to identify, it was something like a mechanical whirring of mid-range tones, like that of a fan in need of lubrication. Its volume changed only as I ambled through the woods. Clearly there were areas of higher cicada concentrations in the trees. But the sound never abated while I was outside of the car.
I passed smaller swarms of the bumblebee sized insects along the path. Their sound was more like the incessant buzzing we are familiar with. Louder than the constant whirring throughout the forest, the chatter undulated at different decibel levels as I passed, louder then softer, then louder again in a coordinated symphony of winged instruments.
Closer, I could hear individual cicadas in the nearby trees extending their invitations to females in hopes of completing the mating act during their short, 24 hour adult life. Watching the path below and ahead as I often do, I saw the remains of those who’s time had passed. In some cases, I saw only a pair of wings. Other forest critters having hauled off and feasted on the other remains.
Traversing Squire Point and entering Woodpecker Trail, there was actually a fourth sound. I thought it might be a nearly silent drone or some kind of electric bike, barely audible compared to the singing (not really singing, but…) bugs. I turned to look and saw a single cicada flying, then landing on a nearby fern. Such a delicate contrasting sound, and enlightening new experience!
Winding my way back along the matted dirt and naturally mulched path, I found myself hearing something different. Smaller, nearby cicada swarms were absent. For the first time this day I could hear the breeze high up in the trees. Its cooling refreshment barely reaching pathway level. Now that’s a familiar sound. But short-lived. Hike a few meters forward and back into the din.
Nearly five miles later, I was back at my vehicle. Take off the boots and put on shoes. Stow the trekking poles and drink the rest of my water. Looking down I found a wayward interloper at my feet. Yep. A cicada.
Above the twig, just below my thigh
Time to go. I got in and shut the door. OMG!!! It’s quiet! I didn’t realize just how loud the cicadas were.
As a side note, I was driving along the back roads east of the reservoir last week and thought my hearing devices were malfunctioning. I kept hearing a faint buzzing come and go. Since I have had a similar problem with them in the past, I took one out, and then the other. But I could still hear the noise as I meandered along the narrow, unmarked asphalt roads. I finally realized that, from time to time, I was passing swarms of cicadas. Who knew?!
Another thing I realized while on my hike today. I’m going to miss this natural world when my time comes – hopefully not soon.
“I guess this probably qualifies for meaningful and thought-provoking ;-)”
Not even my backlog list of topics yields a subject to write about. I’ve even been toying with the concept of writer’s block. But that’s not the sole reason for the lack of a post last week. I was gone for three days during the week and spent two days prior preparing for the trip.
I do enjoy writing this blog and appreciate the positive Likes and Comments. They give me courage to continue. But I also feel a commitment to meet my self-imposed deadlines and to write content that is meaningful and though-provoking. I’m not sure this qualifies. But maybe…
I continue to hold back. Yes, I have dabbled around the surface of controversial topics. But I am afraid of scaring off some readers. I can also admit that I am fearful of reprisals. Not so much from those who follow the blog. More from any entity that may interlope into this site. What a condition of current culture, that we have to tread so carefully.
No. Damn it! Not this time.
My son and I were discussing politics while camping with his family at Maquoketa Caves State Park a week ago. It is not typical to have internet access or cell service away from cities and towns. Yet we did, and our phones buzzed and lit with the news of Tridiot’s convictions. The discussion evolved to what ifs.
It was then that I verbalized that I might take a stand against an authoritarian regime if he manages to get elected. I/we simply cannot allow a faction of bullies who want to roll back time and eliminate social and political freedoms for any one or group who does not agree with them to do so – by brute force!
I am scared just to say it and write it. But I am at a stage in life where I have less to lose by waging the battle (figuratively speaking). Future generations are at stake. History does repeat itself. The parallels in political design to those of Germany in the 1930’s are clear. Today I was reminded how the Nazi takeover was not with a coup in one fell swoop. Hitler came to power legally, by election. Then he installed his henchmen in positions of power and dismantled the government to execute his malevolent plan.
I’m not sure what form my resistance would take. I am frightened just to consider. Better, though, would be to make sure that Tridiot and his henchmen do not come to power. So, I will battle my fears of reprisal and work toward that end. Please join me in this effort.
I guess this probably qualifies for meaningful and thought-provoking 😉
No need to expound. It’s been another week of international tensions, national political intrigue, and intense weather, especially here in Iowa. The Greenfield tornado is especially troubling to me because I was just there and had seen some of the destruction from the Harlan tornado just a couple weeks ago. Otherwise, I am not going to comment on any of the other.
No News
Because I have none. It’s been another week of trying to find my way in this new reality. I feel like it’s been one step forward and several steps back. Not that all is bad. I enjoy the people I interact with, the walks and hikes I take, grilling, and most of the weather. But internal struggles persist regarding Pam and my loss of her. I am told they may never abate. I am trying to learn to live with that.
Good News
I have a camping trip planned with family for this week that may provide fodder for another travel log. Hopefully, I can get it written by next Saturday. Until then, I sincerely hope you have a high-quality, healthy, and safe week. And don’t forget to acknowledge our fallen veterans as we celebrate Veterans Day on Monday.
My trip to Nebraska was both rewarding and painful. I hope to expound on the rewards, but can’t help mixing in some pain. My planned route included stops at two lunch spots that I had seen on Only In Iowa, and designed to avoid any major highways.
First, I must say that Friday was an interesting and ultimately difficult day. I was packed and ready to go by noon. and considered taking off early, but didn’t know where to to. I kept busy outside all day which was good. But the evening relaxation turned into a major letdown that further exhausted me mentally, adding to the physical tiredness.
A ray (or rays) of hope on Friday evening
Waking early Saturday I left before I’d planned. That was good because it was a five-hour drive to Malvern, Iowa and Classic Cafe. I found the downtown area to be bustling with quant businesses, pedestrians, bikes, and cars. I could have spent more time there if I hadn’t another place to be that afternoon.
Classic Cafe was excellent. With decor epitomizing small town downtown cafes, It was comfortable with “Please sit anywhere” and welcoming friendly staff. The main special this day was Hot Beef Open Faced Sandwich. Not my favorite fare. But I jumped when the server mentioned Made Rites. One of Pam’s favorites, we used to seek out places that had both Made Rites and good pork tenderloin sandwiches. Accompanied with sweet potato fries and iced tea, my hunger was soon satisfied. If you are ever in the area, I highly recommend it.
The lengthy morning trek, enjoying the wandering state and county roads (mostly IA 92) of southern Iowa, left me less than two hours of yet more pleasurable travel to Leid Lodge at Arbor Day Farm. I had not been there in over 30 years when I stayed while consulting at Cooper Nuclear Power Plant. There on business, I never got the opportunity to enjoy the many interesting features at Arbor Day Farm. Taking Pam there to share what I thought would be a fun and enjoyable venue was on my bucket list. But we never made it there. I thought it fitting that I return now as part of my journey to Pam’s bridge.
Leid Lodge and Arbor Day Farm did not disappoint. A Baltimore Oriole greeted me as I walked toward the entrance from my car. The lodge reminds me of some in and around the mountains out west. Its timber construction, vaulted ceilings and glass walls are augmented by the use of recycled materials that finish the room decor, such as carpet made of recycled plastics.
I walked about five miles along wooded pathways and apple and nut orchards around the perimeter of the grounds. There are interactive displays in hundred-year-old farm buildings, a Tree Adventure ideal for family excursion, and a really neat shop, Apple House Market, where I spent more than I probably should have on honey, popcorn, candy, and a sweatshirt that colorfully says “Plant Trees.” There are many other facilities and activities there to enjoy.
Having made reservations, as recommended, at Timbers in Leid Lodge, I chose to sit on the deck overlooking treed grounds. I enjoyed an excellent meal of Prime Rib, homestyle mashed potatoes, and asparagus, with a glass of Cabernet. This was actually the third point at which I really felt Pam’s absence, the first two being while strolling in the woods. The second, while shopping. She would have really loved this place. Her joy would only enhance my experience.
Views from my table
I played my guitar on the stone terrace behind the lodge where more than a few people, especially with children, stopped to listen and offer their thanks. Cool. Having a fourth floor room facing the orchards, I hoped for a glimpse of the Northern Lights anticipated that evening. But they did not manifest. I slept well.
On the road before eight on Sunday morning, headed for the bridge. It was appropriately gloomy and I could see rain shafts in the distance toward Creston NE from the open road. Sullen anticipation enveloped me. About a 2-1/2 hour drive, I arrived by 10:30.
It was cool and breezy at Pam’s bridge, with intermittent light rain. Also appropriate. Avoiding too much detail about my time there, my lasting images are of dropping yellow daisy flowers over the guard rail while reconnecting with my sorrow, loneliness, guilt, and just trying to connect with Pam. And being on my knees, grasping the guard rail while screaming in agony as the pain overtook me. I spent quite a while there. I didn’t want to leave, but knew I would eventually have to.
Heading east again toward Ankeny, I had another lunch stop to make in Beebeetown Iowa, truly a “don’t sneeze or you’ll miss it town”, to a place called Twisted Tail Steakhouse and Saloon. Also recommended by Only In Iowa, it looked like a fun place to visit and enjoy another good meal along my route. Talking with a sister while on my way, I suggested that it might be the only restaurant in town and busy, being Mothers Day. No kidding. Look at the map on the link. Beebeetown is literally a on stop sign town. Twisted Tail was the only business I could see there. And it was packed!!! Cars parked up and down the street. People standing in line outside, decked in their Sunday best or Mothers Day finest – whatever. I moved on, grabbing a wrap sandwich in a convenience store and eating on the road. I’ll have to consider going back to Beebeetown another time.
of a sudden, in the hills about a mile west of Harlan, I crossed the path of the recent tornado. Mangled trees and missing roofs, silos, and damaged barns. There was a concrete slab on the side of the road. It was once covered by a house. All that remains is the slab and the entrance to a storm cellar, doors in tact. I hope the inhabitants of the house were in there!
On to Ankeny where I visited family and stayed over. It was a good plan. I was totally exhausted from two days on the road and emotionally spent from my experience. I did sleep well, though, and my leisurely trip back home Monday morning was pleasant and relaxing. Ah, the back roads!
This week has been filled with to do’s, and overarching feelings of sorrow and self pity. As of writing this yesterday (Friday), I am coming out of the funk and remembering that I must go on, remembering and honoring the past, while striving for a quality-of-life future. Remembering the rainbow.
(Shout out to K & K who should recognize the title)
It’s Thursday as I’m writing this. I don’t think I’ll be back in here until next week. I’ll be traveling to Nebraska as this post is published. Meanwhile, my week has become increasingly more difficult as the anniversary of Pam’s death looms. I can feel it in my entire being. Low energy, mood swings, painful memories that sprout up again from their dormant past.
Early last Sunday, having woken up in the middle of the night as is typical, I realized that the hour was close to that of Pam’s passing. One week to go – two years ago. Vivid imagery, as a painful video, played in my mind. I broke into tears.
On the phone with my sister during the week, while we were discussing the ravages of Parkinson’s Disease (her husband had PD also), I walked into the living room and saw in my mind’s eye, family sitting around the room, picture albums and scrapbooks removed from storage totes, evoking painfully good memories for Pam’s siblings and offspring. Always at least one person in the next room with Pam, just being, or praying, recounting memories, or feeding her ice cubes and popsicles. Anything to try to ease her pain. The vigil.
Once again the reminders of Pam’s impactful presence in my life as I go about my daily activities, remembering what we did together or how Pam’s way of doing things has become mine. All the while visions of her, early in our time together, until the end, like a digital auto-biography of her and our life together playing on the screen of my mind as if imaged there.
After all this time I realize that the place I least want to be is the bedroom and find it the most difficult room to be in. I dislike going to bed, giving up the day. Another day without my Pamie. I sleep fine once I get there. The challenge is just getting there. Not only do I miss Pam’s companionship, it is also the place where she breathed her last. The place from which she was taken away, never to return. I cry as I write this!
Last week’s post was a testament to how far I have come in my grief journey, following through on my promise to Pam that I would be okay. But now is a time of intense reflection filled with sorrow and loss. My trip to “Pam’s” bridge on Sunday will be equally, if not more, intense. Yet I know I must go. I’ve known it since I poured her ashes into the stream running through the Bachman family farm.
I don’t plan to make it an annual ritual, but as with many expectations in life, things don’t go as planned. If so, Pam would still be with me/us and we would be enjoying our retirement years traveling, maybe even to the family farm, together. And we would go so many other marvelous places, enjoying them together. But that is not reality. This is.
Another from the vault of future topics on which to write. This one, not a quote that I know of, conjures up many potential meanings, none of which I can directly attribute because I did not flesh them out when I added it to the list. I am, however, confident that it had something to do with my grieving process. The need to be strong. The potential that the need may have a finite time frame.
Back from two weeks and 2,400 miles away from home, I begin the process of mentally preparing for the upcoming second anniversary of Pam’s passing, two short/long years ago. I am putting possibly too much weight behind the date. As with my many backpacking trips during which I hope or expect some sort of epiphany about life, I feel the need to attribute some rite of passage to visiting the site in Nebraska where Pam’s ashes were scattered.
Could it actually be a milestone in my grief journey? Have I been strong for this season to culminate in a literal and figurative step forward in my new life without Pam? Based on past experience, I’d say no. Yet somehow I feel like it should. Like it will.
There have been plenty of milestones since May 12, 2022. First it was days, then weeks. Counting months seems to have subsided several months ago. But two years! Is this one particularly significant? In a way, I think so. Not because of a date. But because of how I feel and the way I view life at this juncture.
Being strong through the pain and sadness, clutching almost without hope to the need to play music in Pam’s honor and absence. With the incredible help of family and friends I have come far – much further than I thought possible – through my grief journey. I recognize once more who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. And though the two of us were another amazing being together, Pam never lost who she was, nor did I.
We are no longer the same being, nor will we ever be again. Pam is gone. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Evidenced now only by a bridge to visit on the back country roads in rural Nebraska. I live on with her memory. She lives on through the memories of so many family and friends who knew and love(d) her. I/we cannot change this reality.
Is this the season of transition? Is it the season of change? Of course. There are many impactful changes taking place here and around the world. They are constant – change. I certainly feel that my life’s journey is in transition and that I am ready for change.
I suffer no delusions that transition and change are linear. My emotional ups and downs confirm that change and seasons are cyclical or, as some say about the grief process, a spiral, moving up and around through time. We all live with them. I choose to accept them.
So on I go, embracing each day, remembering yet not living in the past, not afraid of what the future holds. I am thankful for this outlook and hope to continue being strong for good reasons, strong for any season.
May you all find strength and peace amidst life’s changes and seasons.
