Tag: Love

Hopes and Dreams

“Hopes and dreams may vanish. Are they based in man-made lies?”

The leading quote to this post is from Heart of Logic, a song I wrote several years ago after watching the movie, A Beautiful Mind. Though the context is completely different from what I feel as I write, somehow the sentiment is similar, if not the same.

I don’t remember having hopes and dreams when I was young. I had no goals, no plans. As I grew, I hoped for love, but didn’t necessarily dream of wife and kids. Those were different times of supposedly “free love” and “peace” and “be here now.”

But marriage and children did come, though I had no concept of the responsibility or challenges associated with them. I love my children – all of them. Children instill hopes and dreams in parents. I hope they have grown up to have hopes and dreams of their own, and can find and follow them.

Pam and I got together when our children were young adults. We mostly hoped for time. Our dream was of growing old together. As we pondered marriage I joked with her that we would have a 30-year contract and we (she) could renegotiate at that time. That would put us in our 70’s, and at that time it seemed so far away. But those hopes and dreams were dashed by disease and we only made it through 25.

Now I hope for a new life. I dream of meeting people and enriching their lives through interaction with mine. I hope for happiness, not in the same way that Pam and I were happy, or I happy just being with her, but some new kind of happiness that I have yet to perceive or even know how to recognize right now.

One of my dreams has been to play (and continue to write) my music for others. I hope that I can meet interesting people, have new social experiences, and affect people’s lives in a positive way in so doing. New music and new songs are emerging, a gift Pam left me with the raw emotions of losing her and in feeling lost.

I hope that writing these posts adds value to your days and to you lives. I realized recently how much I enjoy the writing. Yes, it is cathartic, but I also hope that I am somehow making a difference. You, the readers, appear to be saying my hopes are being realized and hopefully, my dreams. If so, I invite you to share my Musing of a Wandering Mind with others – and share your hopes and dreams with them as well.

May your hopes and dreams be vibrant and uplifting, and my they all come true for you!

Lemonade

(Written Wednesday, August 10, 2022)

“My wife used to do this.” That was the end of my brief conversation with a mother and two young children staffing a lemonade stand on one of my usual walking routes. I broke out sobbing. I waived a thank you and had to walk away, not wanting them to witness my total breakdown. It took me a couple blocks and stopping in the shade to wipe my eyes and nose to compose myself enough to continue. I was, after all, about a mile and a half from home. It was the first time since Pam’s passing that I had seen a lemonade stand in the right place, at the right time, having my wallet with me, and was convenient (as in walking vs. driving). I asked the older girl the cost to which she answered fifty cents. I handed her a $5 bill and told her I didn’t want that much lemonade but she could keep the change. She stuffed the bill in her jar. It’s amazing how such things unleash the floods of emotion. Pam made the children so happy every time we stopped, and even went out of our way, to buy some lemonade.

I woke up almost refreshed this morning. Samsung Health gave my sleep a score of 65 out of 100. Not too bad. Not my best. Not my worst by far. Supposedly I fare well vs. other men in my age bracket whose average is 41/100. I usually beat that by a wide margin.

But it was downhill from there. I didn’t even get the Healing from Loss open before my wailing began. It only took looking at Pam’s pictures on the table next to me, trying to make sense of the fact that she is no longer here, to send me to places deep within me where the hurt resides.

I finally pulled myself together and accomplished my morning routine. Being a beautiful weather day, I decided it would be good to walk off some of my emotional stress. It took a lemonade encounter and over seven miles to bring me back home where my journey continues.

I always smile first when I look at Pam’s pictures. Then the other realization sets in. “This (too) is bullshit!”