Thursday, March 10, 2022
I woke this morning thinking that I am just marking time. It’s true – literally. Okay, probably figuratively too.
The first thing I see when I look up is the time projected on the ceiling from the clock sitting on the nightstand on the other side of the bed. Sometimes I just turn over and try to fall asleep again. Often, I begrudgingly begin my day, noting the time for future recording. At other times I greet the day, and my lovely wife, with hope and anticipation of a happy, uneventful day.
We are guided, maybe constrained, by a daily routine of medicine, food, and chores. So much so, that I have a spreadsheet to guide timing and recording of when we accomplish each task. The “Daily Routine” spreadsheet is my attempt at keeping a calendar as recommended by someone on our medical team. I admit that the spreadsheet, rather than a marker board that just doesn’t do exactly what I want, plays well into my “particulous” (a description attributed to me when I was in corporate management – particular and meticulous) nature. There are tabs for each week and I make copies for future weeks. I even keep track of the variance between the weekly average for each task compared to the previous week and its target time.
To keep us on track, I have several alarms set on my phone, with varying snooze levels and repetitions. This works! I know this because when I choose to, or accidently dismiss an alarm before completing the task, I often forget about it and miss a critical med or snack time. Again, this plays into my personal sense of order. But it is also important so that we can maintain a prescribed, hopefully healthy, daily regimen.
Our lives now require order and stability more than ever. This also helps make sense out of senseless challenges and difficult times. I am not now prepared to explain this necessity. Actually, I’m out on a limb just bringing it up. My worry is that, while we need to keep track of our daily routine, I fall into the trap of thinking that this is our purpose in life. It’s not just a pattern of marking time. Living is much more than the time we have. It is about how we live within it.
I’m pretty sure there are some who read this blog that can relate.
Although not caretaker, can relate with so much isolation during pandemic, with one day merging into another then, whoosh, week’s speed by. Where did the week (month, year, decades) go?! As with aging, and moving into retirement…if lucky enough to have both!
Totally! The pandemic has emphasized this feeling of just marking time. One more day without getting sick, great. But it’s not really living and it feels like my life is slipping away. And that it will be gone before I know it, gone before I can continue living.
And after getting through cancer and understanding that I need to learn to live again — not just prepare myself to die — here I am not really able to live. It’s stultifying. I often feel like I am drowning. I want to live!
You are one I assumed would relate, especially with your caregiver responsibilities. I had to look up “stultifying.”
Very philosophical, heavy, yet relatable. (You do express yourself so well!) How many of us just go through each day on rote? Yet each day is another day of our lives. Lots to think about!