Today is Friday the 8th of December. By the time this post is published, I will be on my way back home from Atlanta. I wish I could say that the last eleven days were a rollercoaster of events and emotions, but the reality is that it’s been intense the entire trip.
My Hotel California (it’s her ringtone on my phone) sister arrived the same Tuesday as I, but a while later in the evening. We are here to support my We are Family (yes, her ringtone) sister and her husband Yoav, and my younger sister who lives in Atlanta (To My Little Sister – not a ringtone, but an unrecorded song I wrote for her), and each other through the final stages and aftermath of moving our Mother to memory care. That event took place last Friday, the 1st.
My sisters and I round out our Mother’s biological children. Mom has been staying with, and been primarily cared for by Jan and her husband Yoav for the past four and a half years with Darla’s valuable help.
Continued preparations masked the emotional stress associated with a life altering event such as this. And though we were able to discuss some of that emotion, we could not let it interfere with the task at hand.
Emotional stress can manifest in many different physical and behavioral ways. From cramps and rashes to a spectrum of silence to complete outpouring of thoughts and feelings. The five of us, first with Mom present, then with her absence, manifested several symptoms of both types.
But our time together was just that – together. We have been sharing a common, deeply personal yet communal experience of grief, loss, empathy, fear, and hope. We knew it individually and recognized it in each other.
My sisters and I took walks together, and individually, as we worked through our thoughts and feelings. On one walk I saw an eagle soaring high above, yet nearby. I texted my sisters who came out to see. I don’t attribute any higher power significance to seeing the graceful, flying creature, but experiencing it together was a treat.
As I knew it would, preparing for this transition over the past few months has pushed the loss of Pam back toward the surface of my conscious and subconscious mind. I could feel it lingering and swelling just below the surface. Of course it did. Not as a cataclysmic volcanic eruption; more like a fissure opened with thick hot lava oozing and moving along the surface of my psyche. I was able to express my feelings to this private support group of family. It helped to stem the flow.
Today I woke with vivid awareness of two dreams that actually were a dream within a dream. I was at home in the kitchen looking through the pass-through to the living room where Pam was sitting in her chair. It was a comfortable, normal scene with pleasant conversation. I watched her get up slowly (not normal) and realized, within the dream, that I was hallucinating and that Pam wasn’t really there. As she walked slowly toward the hallway and began to fade, I cried out that I knew it was a hallucination but I didn’t want it to end. Please!!!
I woke to find myself in a strange location, in some kind of garage with screened in, open, door. There were several other people there that I think I recognized, but can’t identify. Sitting next to two of these vaguely familiar co-occupants, I tried to relay my dream, only to have them tell me to get professional help. And so I tried to explain, even argued, that such manifestations of emotional stress are normal with loss and grief, but they couldn’t understand.
Commotion outside. An eagle pounced on a squirrel atop a power pole just down the street. Screeching. Flailing. The squirrel fell, with the eagle in pursuit. But missing that opportunity, it swooped toward a small dog outside a house across the street. Grabbed it. But it, too, got away.
I woke as the eagle was flying low, chasing the dog, who was chasing the squirrel! Now, awake for real, and as you can now see, I was able to recount in my mind exactly what had happened. This, too, was a manifestation of my emotional stress. Played out in a dream within a dream.
Epilogue
We continue to navigate our new logistical and emotional terrain since last Friday. Cheryl went home yesterday to California, and, as I said, I will be traveling as this post is published. Jan, Darla, and Yoav are left to take care of Mom’s daily needs, though in different roles, and they will have different experiences than before. From my perspective it has not been a rollercoaster. Rather an intensely emotional experience that we are all thankful to have shared together.
Life is But A Dream? Or are we dreaming within dreams? Too deep for me to contemplate now.
I feel that you described these last few days perfectly.
Very moving, deep and powerfully said.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, dreams and not dreams.
I could have just hit the “like” button, but that would not have been enough, for I LOVED this post! You have captured this experience so well with your writing. Thank you for everything!!!