Pam exhaled her last breath 26 weeks ago at 1:48am early Thursday morning. 2:39am was her official time of death. Though our lives had been changing over weeks, months, and years due to Pam’s illness, nothing prepared me for her final days and passing. Life goes on – minus an amazing, loving, kind, and gentle soul. We love you and miss you Pam!
Category: What’s New
A place to track links to new posts found in other areas of the site.
PBS or CBS?
Power, Balance, Stability
or
Confidence, Balance, Stability
or
BRS
No, not what you expected based on the title.
Though I want to balance (no pun intended) my posts with topics besides Pam and my grieving process, the fact is that I am still grieving, and I miss Pam intensely, every day! I am making some progress. I have been following through on my traveling. And I have my recording studio setup, though I still have a substantial learning curve on knowing how to use it.
But all of that is off topic. Occasionally, I wear the very beautiful ring I inherited from my Dad, on my right ring finger. I wore it some while Pam was still alive, but more often now that I no longer wear my wedding ring (It, along with Pam’s wedding ring, are on a chain I often wear around my neck). Mom, with a jewelry designer friend of theirs, created the ring and had it crafted. Dad left it to me. I try to keep it safe for special occasions.
Last week I remembered that I purchased a Qalo silicone ring to wear while backpacking, in lieu of my gold wedding ring that I didn’t want to lose, nor cause harm to it or me. I remembered where I’d stored the Qalo and retrieved it.
But a bit of background. Pam and I picked out our wedding rings independently in Clear Lake, and found that we had both picked the same rings!!! Go figure. On our wedding day, receiving the ring from my beautiful bride, I found that she had the ring engraved on the inside with “HITYLTILY”, our little code for “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You” a song written by Van Morrison. We were also familiar with the version released by Rod Stewart. So, when I purchased the Qalo ring, I had it engraved with the same initialism.
Okay. So now I have this ring that I didn’t get properly sized and fits best on my middle finger. So, that’s the finger on which I wear it. While I was taking my daily walk, I wondered what significance wearing a ring on a middle finger might have. One of the reasons I never got my ear pierced was for fear of sending the wrong message based on which ear I would wear it. And we are all familiar with one middle finger interpretation.
I’m finally to the point. Hopefully, the background has been worth your time. I looked up the meaning of wearing a ring on the middle finger and found that it portrays Power, Balance, and Stability. But I immediately thought of the word Confidence and liked it. Though I don’t often feel confident, balanced, or stable these days, I do think these words reflect what I strive for and hope Pam would want for me. So, I plan to wear the ring often, thinking of Pam, and hoping, with confidence, balance, and stability, for the future. It seems such a contradiction to me. Missing Pam so much. Feeling the pain daily. But wanting/needing to build a new life without her – for her.
P.S. The BRS mentioned above stands for Beauty, Responsibility, and Self-analysis. Certainly not vouching for beauty. I hope I am responsible and take responsibility. As for self-analysis, I never had a problem analyzing myself before. I hope I can get back to that level of OCD! I’d be giving myself a break. Hah!
A8
(written on the back of the placemat, August 12th at A8 restaurant in Williamsburg, Iowa)
The seat across from me is empty at a place we used to love to go. General Tso, Egg Drop Soup, Fried Rice, and Crab Rangoon. This lunch combo is truly special. We’d often order two, though one was plenty for both of us, just so we could take home the leftovers. I’m holding my emotions!
My first stop on what is already proving to be a strange day. Heading to my 50th high school reunion. August 12th. The three-month anniversary of Pam’s passing.
Lunching here at A8 is a perfect example of “going through” the grief. I seem to be purposeful about going places and doing things Pam and I so enjoyed together. Not all at once. Each venture has its emotional toll.
Christie, who owns and runs A8 with her husband, recognized me and stopped by my table. We haven’t been in this restaurant in over three years! Asking about Pam, I gave her the news. She recalled that Pam looked tired the last time we were here. Another milestone. And I made it through without melting into my tears.
I completed the A8 ritual by smashing the fortune cookie with my palm, as I have always done. But there is only one. The seat across from me is empty. Oops! So is the fortune cookie (I laughed out loud). No special words of wisdom for me. No winning lottery numbers. So it goes. (Off to my next new life’s experience. Seeing people I have not seen for 50 years.)
“A gentle woman with no guile”
(written August 10, 2022)
People are like precious gems. We come in different colors (Color), have various visible and hidden flaws (Clarity), are shaped by our DNA and our experiences (Cut), and come in different sizes (“Carat” weight). The locale and pressures of where it is formed impact all four “C’s” that describe a jewel’s valuable attributes.
What ultimately is valuable is literally in the eye of the beholder. Though diamonds are considered the ultimate jewel, some prefer the “C’s” of rubies, sapphires, or emeralds. And even diamonds are comparably valued using the same criteria.
Comparing myself – my life – with Pam is a daily occurrence. In every instance I know that she embodied higher “C” values than I. Her birthstone was Ruby, but you can pick your gem. As I stated in the song The Song I Never Wrote for You, “a gentle woman with no guile.” Pam’s Color was brighter, her Clarity less flawed, her Cut, smoother, and the weight of her empathy, so much more impactful.
These are values I wish I could somehow achieve; receive them from her now to carry on. I certainly didn’t obtain them while we were together, though Pam’s goodness did rub off in some ways. Maybe I just assumed she was carrying the talisman for us both. Now I just strive to reflect her total beauty. Her sparkling refracted light. Oh my gosh how I love her and miss her!
Lemonade
(Written Wednesday, August 10, 2022)
“My wife used to do this.” That was the end of my brief conversation with a mother and two young children staffing a lemonade stand on one of my usual walking routes. I broke out sobbing. I waived a thank you and had to walk away, not wanting them to witness my total breakdown. It took me a couple blocks and stopping in the shade to wipe my eyes and nose to compose myself enough to continue. I was, after all, about a mile and a half from home. It was the first time since Pam’s passing that I had seen a lemonade stand in the right place, at the right time, having my wallet with me, and was convenient (as in walking vs. driving). I asked the older girl the cost to which she answered fifty cents. I handed her a $5 bill and told her I didn’t want that much lemonade but she could keep the change. She stuffed the bill in her jar. It’s amazing how such things unleash the floods of emotion. Pam made the children so happy every time we stopped, and even went out of our way, to buy some lemonade.
I woke up almost refreshed this morning. Samsung Health gave my sleep a score of 65 out of 100. Not too bad. Not my best. Not my worst by far. Supposedly I fare well vs. other men in my age bracket whose average is 41/100. I usually beat that by a wide margin.
But it was downhill from there. I didn’t even get the Healing from Loss open before my wailing began. It only took looking at Pam’s pictures on the table next to me, trying to make sense of the fact that she is no longer here, to send me to places deep within me where the hurt resides.
I finally pulled myself together and accomplished my morning routine. Being a beautiful weather day, I decided it would be good to walk off some of my emotional stress. It took a lemonade encounter and over seven miles to bring me back home where my journey continues.
I always smile first when I look at Pam’s pictures. Then the other realization sets in. “This (too) is bullshit!”
“Global Warming”
This post speaks for itself. I am pasting the contents of email messages sent and replied to by my lifelong friend. The linked article is dated August 8, 2022:
(message)
Hi Sam,
I get a daily “This Day in History” email each morning that highlights what happened in the past in several areas of interest. Today’s edition included an article entitled “The term “global warming” appears for the first time.” I remember visiting you during the spring or summer of ’76 when you were a county building inspector. We went to a job site together during which time you showed me an article about global warming and told me it was going to be a big issue in the coming years. Very visionary!
I’d like to publish a post about this on Wut Javia, and wonder if you mind. I can do it without using your name if you prefer. Also, if you visit the site, be sure to sign up to receive email notifications when I post.
(Reply)
Hi Keith, I think it was the summer of 1976 when I was a building inspector for Polk County. You have a good memory! I’m fine with you using my name. The concept of global warming was a highly doubted idea back then. I remember requiring home builders to put insulation in their walls and attics to approve their building permits and I got a lot of pushback from builders because they did not want to spend a few hundred extra dollars for including the insulation. Short sited!
Some Past, Some Present, and Some New Future
My last post was March 12th. On that day and on the 9th, I hinted at complications in my life that I was not able to write about at that time and that, at some point, I would be back. Today is the time.
Wut Javia doesn’t have many blog followers. Most are family. Though a few family members don’t know the details surrounding Pam’s PD/Dementia disease, I think all now know that Pam died on May 12th of this year after a multi-year battle with physical and mental disability. It was my honor and labor of love to be Pam’s caregiver throughout this time, until the end. But the last year was by far the most challenging, heartbreaking, frustrating, and sad.
I kept a journal over the past couple years. Entries are sporadic due to emotional distress or, more often due to exhaustion at the end of the day. I have hundreds of texts and emails to and from family and friends describing general and specific challenges with related conclusions and emotional outpouring. I also have a complete record of my interactions with Pam’s neurologist on her behalf. These describe ongoing and ever evolving symptoms, potential causes, and recommended and prescribed treatments. In time I hope to review and incorporate all of this information into a collective document to be shared either here on the blog or in other written forms. Who knows, some of it may be helpful to others who take the twisted, dark journey of slow decline and death, and those who love them and care for them as they do.
I began a new journal on July 28th. It truly is a new beginning. Nothing is as it was. I think I am still me, but even that comes into question in this world without my love, my wife. One of the most beautiful people anyone could ever meet. And you don’t have to take my word for that! I am including that journal entry, along with one I wrote yesterday before writing this opening. To tie the past with the present, and into the future. Of the future I only know that I told Pam I’d be okay. That I would live and go on living. To date this commitment has meant much retrospection, introspection, excruciating emotional pain, hours of crying, and talking with family and friends who have helped me through some of the darkest hours of my life. So far the future consists of reading, playing my music, traveling, and going on with some semblance of daily routine; eating, sleeping, even watching some TV. Now, I hope, it includes writing about my experiences; past, present, and on into the future.
Though I don’t know yet how this blog will now evolve, I hope it continues to reflect who I am and what I am doing. Hopefully, it will be interesting and maybe even helpful to others.
July 28, 2022
So far, today’s two take-aways are What hurts and how much? and I’m trying to figure out how to live alone.
I hurt intensely when I look at Pam’s picture(s) and recall the depth of my love for her and how much I miss her. Sometimes I look and smile. She’s smiling in every one. But the pain builds inside of me. I can feel the weight of it. Looking at Pam’s picture at those moments, the hurt surfaces and the flood gates open. I have also been noticing that my legs start moving when my emotions are on edge. I start vigorously rocking in the chair, or shake my legs up and down, flexing my toes and raising my heals, just like Pam used to do when she was uneasy. Somehow, realizing why I am doing it is comforting. Like it’s just part of how I’m dealing with losing Pam.
I’m trying to figure out how to live alone. I’ve recognized this for a while and have even mentioned it to my sister(s) Jan and/or Cheryl. Discounting a brief time during and after my divorce, I hadn’t been alone. Okay, living with Gayle was close, but there were people in the house. And even when I lived alone after the divorce, Pam and I began dating shortly after. I had my own place, as did she. But I was less alone than in my marriage! But now I am alone. And one of the reasons I chose to write today rather than call Jan (although I still might) is to document these thoughts rather than texting or talking. And just maybe it’s part of my learning to be alone.
August 2, 2022
Today began with me thinking about what I was doing, driving around looking at guitars, keyboards, and recording equipment. What would we be doing if Pam was alive and healthy. The answer came quickly. Pam would be stamping while I play my guitar or fuss with one project or another around the house.
This morning I got a “Value Pack” in the mail with various useless advertising inserts – except one. Pam and I drove to a farm in the middle of nowhere that had been renovated and converted into a vineyard and winery, Buchanan House Winery. We were on one of our outings and saw the sign on a county road so we just drove there. The flier was a reminder that they offer free wine tastings. Just stop in. I’m going to do that sometime in the near future. If Pam were alive and healthy, these are the things we would be doing. We enjoyed living together, piddling around the house. We enjoyed each other. We enjoyed our jaunts around Iowa to places we’d like to eat or see. But all of that ended with Pam’s progressing disease. PD/Dementia took her life too soon. It took our life together away even before that. It robbed us of our future and completely altered the trajectory of mine – alone.
Welcome New Follower
Please welcome my very good, and long-time friend Sam to Wut Javia! Sam represents my 15th (6.7%) follower.
I receive many invitations from Google, Blue Host (site host), and Word Press to subscribe to premium services in hopes of growing my follower base and business site. I often chuckle at how they have no idea why I created Wut Javia in the first place, and how happy I am to have 15 followers!
So I am pleased to see my minimal follower list growing. It gives me incentive to keep sharing my thoughts, musings, etc. I also invite all of my followers to share the Wut Javia link if you enjoy what you read here. Maybe I can eventually double my readership – all the way up to 30!
Sam, thanks for coming aboard. Stay tuned for new and hopefully exciting/interesting posts in the near future. Bruce, yes, I know what the first letters spell. Hope you all have a great weekend.
Marking Time
Father Time
Thursday, March 10, 2022
I woke this morning thinking that I am just marking time. It’s true – literally. Okay, probably figuratively too.
The first thing I see when I look up is the time projected on the ceiling from the clock sitting on the nightstand on the other side of the bed. Sometimes I just turn over and try to fall asleep again. Often, I begrudgingly begin my day, noting the time for future recording. At other times I greet the day, and my lovely wife, with hope and anticipation of a happy, uneventful day.
We are guided, maybe constrained, by a daily routine of medicine, food, and chores. So much so, that I have a spreadsheet to guide timing and recording of when we accomplish each task. The “Daily Routine” spreadsheet is my attempt at keeping a calendar as recommended by someone on our medical team. I admit that the spreadsheet, rather than a marker board that just doesn’t do exactly what I want, plays well into my “particulous” (a description attributed to me when I was in corporate management – particular and meticulous) nature. There are tabs for each week and I make copies for future weeks. I even keep track of the variance between the weekly average for each task compared to the previous week and its target time.
To keep us on track, I have several alarms set on my phone, with varying snooze levels and repetitions. This works! I know this because when I choose to, or accidently dismiss an alarm before completing the task, I often forget about it and miss a critical med or snack time. Again, this plays into my personal sense of order. But it is also important so that we can maintain a prescribed, hopefully healthy, daily regimen.
Our lives now require order and stability more than ever. This also helps make sense out of senseless challenges and difficult times. I am not now prepared to explain this necessity. Actually, I’m out on a limb just bringing it up. My worry is that, while we need to keep track of our daily routine, I fall into the trap of thinking that this is our purpose in life. It’s not just a pattern of marking time. Living is much more than the time we have. It is about how we live within it.
I’m pretty sure there are some who read this blog that can relate.
One of These Days
One of these days I’ll have a lot to say in this space. The issue is that what I have to talk about is so personal and involves another person that I love. So I’ll have to wait – as will you.
Suffice it to say that these last three years have brought more personal challenges than hiding from COVID-19, sequestering from travel, restaurants, and shopping. More than political and economic issues.
Is your curiosity is piqued? Watch this space. But it may be a while. Until that time I hope for you peace and love and survival!