Category: Impacting my Life

A Broader Context

Two photographs of Pam I look at every day are cropped close-ups taken from more inclusive vantage points. One has been further tweaked, as you will be able to see. It occurred to me this week that these photographs are a fitting metaphor to one of the ways I must cope with losing Pam and finding myself, in this new reality.

You may be familiar with this picture, as it was posted with Pam’s obituary and was on the front of her memorial bulletin. It adorns the lock screen and is the background for all screens on my phone. It is also the desktop background on my computer and is printed and posted as an 8×10 on my refrigerator. Needless to say, I see it often. Viewing her in the broader context of the entire photograph reveals the reason for her smiling eyes and impish grin. She is eating clams at an outdoor table (with brother and daughter) in sunny southern California!

The trip to visit her brother in 2019 turned out to be Pam’s last long-distance travel. And her daughters got her on the plane on this end and off the plane in CA. After her visit she traveled with her daughter back to the Midwest. Though her PD symptoms were still relatively mild, Pam was already struggling with cognitive issues.

I also love this picture of Pam with her favorite hat, and the knit sweater that was already aging when we started dating 28 years ago. But she loved it so. This photograph was taken in Clear Lake in December of 2020 where we gathered with family for an outdoor Christmas celebration during COVID. Though Pam’s disease had progressed, the gleam in her eyes and her loving smile reveal her happy, loving heart.

A framed copy of this pic sits on a table next to my easy chair where I pick it up every morning before reading from Healing from Loss mentioned in previous posts. I try talking to Pam, end up just telling her how much I love her and miss her, and typically begin to cry. I even printed a copy to put inside the book so I can easily take it (and the book) with me when I travel. And though it reminds me of how she changed, I see her as the beautiful, loving person that she was. And again, I cry.

A broader view exposes the reason for Pam’s delight. She is with her daughters who meant the world to her, and is celebrating with family during her favorite time of year.

I like to think that Pam is looking at me with gleaming eyes when I look at the close-up pictures. As with these photographs, I (indeed we) look at life in the context of what is going on in our own lives. But we must look beyond grief; beyond daily tasks; beyond ourselves. I mustn’t look at everything as tainted by Pam losing her life, or my loss of her. As I’ve said before, I look forward, while contemplating the past, and living for today. I am, we are, just a small part of the universe, trying to have some kind of positive impact on the people we interact with along the way, on our society, and on the world. Now there’s a broader context!

“Pamela Sue I love your smile. My heart is happy when you do. Your eyes are gleaming when you see me. I always know your love is true.”

“If Happy Little Bluebirds Fly…”

I always wanted to fly. Not on a jet, or in a plane, but literally fly. I don’t like flying on commercial airlines. So much is out of my control. I would settle for attaching wings to my arms or something like that. But I think it’s more about the freedom of being on my own and defying gravity.

I used to dream I was flying, maybe 50 feet off the ground. Typically, it was over meadows surrounded by trees. Always Summer, always green. Not over farm fields, but surely could be in rural Iowa, over tall grasses, swaying in the breeze. Often, I would wake up when I realized, in my dream, that I couldn’t really fly, and began plummeting to the ground.

Birds have fascinated me for many years. I had several bird feeders in the back yard where we used to live, strategically located outside my office window so I could watch for the rare breeds. In addition to the “normal” species like Sparrows, Chickadees, Finches, and Cardinals, the feeders attracted several kinds of Woodpeckers, as well as Wrens, Warblers, and Rose-breasted Grosbeaks.

But the really rare birds were the most fun. Most were migratory, with only a few days during Spring and Autumn when there was even a chance they would stop for fuel in our back yard. The Indigo Bunting thrilled me in May of 2004 and again in 2006. It looks like a Blue Bird, but larger and with more intense color. The Scarlet Tanager was probably the rarest, most exciting vision of all. It’s brilliant red body and head are punctuated by jet black wings and tail. OMG!

My go to book for identifying species is Birds of Iowa Field Guide by Stan Tekiela. Every colored tab shown above is a different kind of bird I viewed from the comfort of home! The Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Birds, Western Region, is another excellent reference for bird identification – if, of course, you live in the Western Region. It has in depth descriptions, native regions and migratory patterns that accompany the photography.

Here is a list of many of the birds I viewed in Northern Iowa over a decade in the early 2000’s:

Enjoying free birds continues where I live now. My next door neighbor put out some feeders a few years ago, attracting some of the species I used to see before. They also attract the birds to the bird bath I’ve had in front of the house for many years. I keep it heated in the winter so the “snow birds” can continue to drink and frolic in the water. It works out well. My neighbor gets the mess and I get to watch. I am considering adding safflower and suet feeders at my house to feed the nesting pair of cardinals and attract woodpeckers, of which I have only seen a few.

Pam’s Mother loved Cardinals. She had Cardinal ornaments, jewelry, and photographs. Her children and grandchildren love seeing them in various forms from paper to in the wild. Pam’s brother, Randy, gifted us a Metalbird Cardinal that is spiked to nail into a tree, in honor of their Mother. It is attached to the Birch tree outside the living room window from which I also watch the bird feeders.

One of Pam’s daughters selected a Bluebird urn to keep some of her Mother’s ashes. I liked it so much that I got one for myself. It’s actually called Songbird. It is different in breed from the Cardinal, yet is consistent with lives being associated with, and represented by birds. We think of birds as being free. Probably because they have something many of us wish for – freedom of flight.

“…Why then, oh, why can’t I?”

(Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Wizard of Oz)

A Student of Music

@ Coffee Cat Nov. 22, 2013

For the first time in my life, I am learning about music. While searching for a new Kindle book to read, I stumbled upon Music Theory, From Absolute Beginner to Expert that I have just begun to read, and How to Read Music: For Beginners – Simple and Effective Guide to Understanding and Reading Music With Ease, that I have yet to open. Both books by Nicolas Carter. This may surprise those of you who know and listen to my music. But as I’ve admitted to anyone who asks, I play everything by ear and, though I had to have learned to read music during Junior High when I played the cornet and French horn, very little stuck with me.

After reading only two chapters from Music Theory, I am already learning; tone and notes, amplitude and volume, frequency and pitch, rhythm and time. The author does a good job of relating subjects to piano, and more importantly for me, the guitar. So not only does he discuss white and black keys, but also strings and frets. Works for me!

As with other subjects, learning seems easier now with life’s experiences. I was not a good student in school. Between mild ADD and my constant battle with OCD (neither officially diagnosed), I just couldn’t stay engaged with reading and applied learning. I now know that I am a visual learner, and I learn by doing (kinesthetic). Thus, music by ear (not to be confused with auditory learning). Recently, though, I am reading both fiction and non-fiction, and find that I understand “subjects” better just because I have had some experience with them in life.

Now I am excited to see if and how my music improves with new insights. But I need to keep reading to see how the learning applies. Learning to read music will also be helpful. I plan to get another keyboard (gave mine to the grandchildren) sometime next year to assist my composing and add depth of instruments to my recordings. I enjoyed “messing around” with it, but I assume that understanding the keyboard and being able to read and write music will be helpful in those efforts.

I am happy to be immersing myself deeper in this new venture in my life. I’ve been playing around with new riffs during practice. I’m not sure where they will lead, but it feels good to be creative again, especially while polishing my current repertoire. I will also share that it feels good to be looking forward to new experiences. As I stated earlier, I look forward, while evaluating the past and living in the present. Not only a student of music, but also a student of life.

Peace and Love!

Special Edition – 26th Wedding Anniversary

Pam and I were married on this date in 1996. Today would be our 26th wedding anniversary. It was a Friday. For years I would tease Pam because she thought of our anniversary as being the day after Thanksgiving rather than November 29th. We laughed about it nearly every year. Isn’t it funny what little things bring joy and laughter into our lives. It is wonderful.

Most of the wedding pictures show me looking at my bride rather than the camera.

Having our anniversary close to Thanksgiving helped by having some family already close by for the holiday. We had a simple ceremony with few people in attendance including two of our dear, longtime, happily married friends to stand up for us. It remains, and probably will be, the only time Pam’s and my children were together with us in the same place. That, too, was wonderful.

Look at that beautiful woman with the beaming smile!

But this year the timing of what should be some of life’s best celebrations becomes one of my biggest emotional challenges. I was a basket case for much of last Thursday! Fortunately, my son and his partner were with me and graciously endured my emotional breakdown.

I knew it was coming. I even warned them. But I wasn’t prepared for the depth of the pain that surfaced as I set the table, and the house in general ahead of their arrival, and during their visit. Pam so loved this season and even more so as it has included our anniversary for the past quarter century. I tried hard to make the place, and the day, something she would have liked.

I’m not sure how today will go with me since I exhausted so much emotional energy last week. Something inside tells me it won’t be easy. But I’ll have “Tacos” tonight in honor of the occasion. We loved to go for Mexican and had our special restaurant and favorite menu items (always including margaritas!). Pam called it going for tacos, but her favorite order was Chicken and Rice (Arroz con Pollo). Something else to joke about from time to time. The happy memories are wonderful.

(from an Apache wedding prayer) Thank you again, Kelley! We lived it as long as we could.

I miss her so much!

Directions

(Written a few weeks ago. Clearly I haven’t managed to move on enough to stop writing about Pam, and my loss of her love and companionship)

Moving along my new life without Pam includes writing posts about other subjects whether they be additions to previous categories such as travels or music, or something totally new. I have a category built in for politics, but I’m thinking I might not want to go there. “Musings” is my catch-all category for, well, almost everything I post.

But which direction should I go? I see travel and music in my future. I am preparing to hibernate over the winter months. That time is reserved for practicing my music in hopes of recording several songs while readying for public performance next year. The plan is to drop new recordings in this site as I complete them. I am also transitioning from daily walks to a rowing machine and other indoor exercises to be prepared to “hit the ground running” (not really running) when the weather warms next Spring.

Nothing big. But those preparations dovetail with travel plans. I still have a desire to drive around, short or long distance, asking local café and bar staff if I can play my music in a corner of their establishments. Something I looked forward to doing with Pam during our retirement years. They may say yes. They may say no. They may say “oh hell no” after listening for a bit. I also hope to combine performing with camping, a direction I have been and want to go again.

I have, however, received encouragement recently that boosts my ego enough to continue in this direction. I realized that I am a one-man garage band. My garage venue is positioned across from a city pond that brings parents and children, people with dogs, runners, walkers, old and young, and fishers to enjoy the area. They hear me and see me. I’ve become such a fixture that many wave to me in passing or ask why I’m not playing at the moment. Once while I was walking around the pond a couple stopped to say they would miss my playing, because I too was walking. Just last night a woman who I didn’t even recognize asked me “No music tonight?” as she was jogging by. I answered that I just finished. She motioned her disappointment. I gave my thanks.

One of my reunion classmates recently surprised me at the main event when he walked in and said “I remember you.” Unfortunately, I didn’t recognize him. But I asked why. He answered that we were in the same home room and that I once brought my guitar and played for the class. Fifty years later he still remembered. What a compliment. I told him his words were great to hear at this juncture of my life, and thanked him.

During a time of personal uncertainty it helps to have plans and goals, directions in which to go. Without them, the days would be endlessly sad. They are sad enough as is. So I look forward, as I review the past and live for today. I am confident that Pam would approve.

Westward from Lolo Pass

On Being Alone

Just one of the components of grieving the loss of a spouse, partner, significant other.

Sometimes I feel very alone. Mostly in the evenings when I no longer have the energy to keep busy with – whatever. Recently I wondered about the difference between being lonesome and being lonely. Based on Webster’s, it seems they are intertwined:

Lonesome:
sad or dejected as a result of lack of companionship or separation from others; causing a feeling of loneliness

Lonely:
being without company; cut off from others; not frequented by human beings; sad from being alone; producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

Though these adjectives do describe me, I am not without hope, nor am I in despair. In a broader sense, I am not alone. I have loving and supportive family and friends. I wish I was geographically closer, but I am comforted in knowing that they have me in their thoughts and hearts and, if I “need” to, I can call or text them at any time.

A longtime friend of Pam’s and mine, who’s husband died of Parkinson’s about two years ago, sent me a book called Healing After Loss, by Martha W. Hickman. The passage for November 17th (this year it was Thursday) speaks directly to this topic and includes the following:

“Together we realize that ‘no man [or woman] is an Island.’ We know that, while we are still sad, we are not alone, and that love, often forged out of sadness, is life’s greatest gift to us all.”

I am sad that Pam no longer lives. She was beautiful in so many ways. Her life was cut short by an insidious disease. I am certainly lonesome and lonely without her. I would give anything to have Pam with me still. But I think I am beginning to accept being alone for the first time in my life. I want to embrace being alone. I need to experience aloneness, yet still live in the love she had for me, and I for her, and pass it on.

It helps to know that I am not really alone. I interact with people every day, whether they be family, neighbors, or friends, sometimes even with strangers. And though I have no expectations, I leave open the possibility of companionship and love. That I might not always spend all my evenings alone.

Six Months

Today marks another sad milestone. Pam passed away on May 12, 2022 at 1:48am, unofficially, and 2:39am officially. Time has only begun to dress the deep wound of her passing. Those of us who knew Pam and love her, at best contemplate an eventual scar that we view with thankfulness for being touched by her. And sadness and emptiness for losing her. “A gentle woman with no guile. That’s why I love you Pamela Sue.”

I can only attempt to emulate the beautiful person she was. It’s a good aspiration. Love one another!

26 Weeks

Pam exhaled her last breath 26 weeks ago at 1:48am early Thursday morning. 2:39am was her official time of death. Though our lives had been changing over weeks, months, and years due to Pam’s illness, nothing prepared me for her final days and passing. Life goes on – minus an amazing, loving, kind, and gentle soul. We love you and miss you Pam!

PBS or CBS?

Power, Balance, Stability
or
Confidence, Balance, Stability
or
BRS

No, not what you expected based on the title.

Though I want to balance (no pun intended) my posts with topics besides Pam and my grieving process, the fact is that I am still grieving, and I miss Pam intensely, every day! I am making some progress. I have been following through on my traveling. And I have my recording studio setup, though I still have a substantial learning curve on knowing how to use it.

But all of that is off topic. Occasionally, I wear the very beautiful ring I inherited from my Dad, on my right ring finger. I wore it some while Pam was still alive, but more often now that I no longer wear my wedding ring (It, along with Pam’s wedding ring, are on a chain I often wear around my neck). Mom, with a jewelry designer friend of theirs, created the ring and had it crafted. Dad left it to me. I try to keep it safe for special occasions.

Last week I remembered that I purchased a Qalo silicone ring to wear while backpacking, in lieu of my gold wedding ring that I didn’t want to lose, nor cause harm to it or me. I remembered where I’d stored the Qalo and retrieved it.

But a bit of background. Pam and I picked out our wedding rings independently in Clear Lake, and found that we had both picked the same rings!!! Go figure. On our wedding day, receiving the ring from my beautiful bride, I found that she had the ring engraved on the inside with “HITYLTILY”, our little code for “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You” a song written by Van Morrison. We were also familiar with the version released by Rod Stewart. So, when I purchased the Qalo ring, I had it engraved with the same initialism.

Okay. So now I have this ring that I didn’t get properly sized and fits best on my middle finger. So, that’s the finger on which I wear it. While I was taking my daily walk, I wondered what significance wearing a ring on a middle finger might have. One of the reasons I never got my ear pierced was for fear of sending the wrong message based on which ear I would wear it. And we are all familiar with one middle finger interpretation.

I’m finally to the point. Hopefully, the background has been worth your time. I looked up the meaning of wearing a ring on the middle finger and found that it portrays Power, Balance, and Stability. But I immediately thought of the word Confidence and liked it. Though I don’t often feel confident, balanced, or stable these days, I do think these words reflect what I strive for and hope Pam would want for me. So, I plan to wear the ring often, thinking of Pam, and hoping, with confidence, balance, and stability, for the future. It seems such a contradiction to me. Missing Pam so much. Feeling the pain daily. But wanting/needing to build a new life without her – for her.

P.S. The BRS mentioned above stands for Beauty, Responsibility, and Self-analysis. Certainly not vouching for beauty. I hope I am responsible and take responsibility. As for self-analysis, I never had a problem analyzing myself before. I hope I can get back to that level of OCD! I’d be giving myself a break. Hah!

A8

(written on the back of the placemat, August 12th at A8 restaurant in Williamsburg, Iowa)

The seat across from me is empty at a place we used to love to go. General Tso, Egg Drop Soup, Fried Rice, and Crab Rangoon. This lunch combo is truly special. We’d often order two, though one was plenty for both of us, just so we could take home the leftovers. I’m holding my emotions!

My first stop on what is already proving to be a strange day. Heading to my 50th high school reunion. August 12th. The three-month anniversary of Pam’s passing.

Lunching here at A8 is a perfect example of “going through” the grief. I seem to be purposeful about going places and doing things Pam and I so enjoyed together. Not all at once. Each venture has its emotional toll.

Christie, who owns and runs A8 with her husband, recognized me and stopped by my table. We haven’t been in this restaurant in over three years! Asking about Pam, I gave her the news. She recalled that Pam looked tired the last time we were here. Another milestone. And I made it through without melting into my tears.

I completed the A8 ritual by smashing the fortune cookie with my palm, as I have always done. But there is only one. The seat across from me is empty. Oops! So is the fortune cookie (I laughed out loud). No special words of wisdom for me. No winning lottery numbers. So it goes. (Off to my next new life’s experience. Seeing people I have not seen for 50 years.)