Today, July 27th, is the 365th day of reading Healing After Loss by Martha W. Hickman. It is the “last” page for me since one can begin any day and continue for a year. I have been partaking of this ritual faithfully for the past year, even before my first cup of coffee, as I have wanted to get my head and heart around my feelings and the challenges of each day of grief and rebuilding my life.
Before opening the book today, I suggested to myself that it will be interesting to find out if it would contain something profoundly pertinent to this day, or only another encouraging message to help me get through the day, and the year. I am quoting the page in its entirety below:
The quote
Since her grief had brought her fully to birth and wakefulness in this world, an unstinting passion had moved in her, like a live stream flowing deep underground, by which she knew herself and others and the world.
Wendell Berry
The Message
It is a difficult birth – this coming into full wakefulness through grief – and not everyone comes out ennobled. But since the rewards of doing it well are as multitudinous as the stars in the sky, it behooves us to do whatever we can to come through well.
What may it take? Attention to our own needs, our state of mind. Reading. Rest. A willingness to be vulnerable again. Counseling, maybe. Talking with understanding friends. For some, prayer, meditation, participation in a healing community.
What we can be sure of is that we will be different. Whether we will be embittered and sad or compassionate and, in a deep sense, happy is not totally within our power to decide. But the outcome may be more within our power than we think. Like any birth, it has its pains and dangers. But it is new life at stake here – new life!
Marth W. Hickman
The Thought
I will use all the power I possess to come through this well.
Martha W. Hickman
This message encapsulates how I have spent all of my energy this past year (plus). These things I have done, in one form or another. I am confident that I will not be embittered but rather I feel renewed compassion for people, all of whom have their griefs and challenges to bear and come through. And though the pains and dangers still arise, I look forward to my new life, though a life without Pam, knowing she is always with me in my heart and that this is what she would want for me.
Thank you Martha Hickman (now deceased), for grounding me with your daily messages, walking with me along this arduous path through loss and grief. I am putting your book aside for now, knowing that it will be there any day of the year I need it as an anchor for my soul.
Pam’s 72nd Birthday is Tuesday, July 11th (I used to call it lucky 7/11). I am celebrating by playing my first “concert” at our home church in Northern Iowa on Sunday the 9th, a milestone in my commitment to Pam and me. It will be followed by a celebration for Pam’s Birthday with family. A celebration of Pam’s life. A celebration also of survival, of coming through.
(The third in this 3-part series to chronicle my recent trip)
Traveling down the interior west of California was less stressful than expected. My B-I-L and I worked out a route that kept me away from major cities like LA. I whizzed past vineyards and fruit farms, and on through desert, mountains, and hills, though most of the trip was through flatlands.
I eventually arriving for a visit with my niece in Palm Desert. We had a great evening catching up on our lives and drinking wine while watching the sun set over the mountains from her balcony. She enjoys the view every evening. Thank you, Mindy, for being – you, and for sharing your new life and hospitality with me. Too much fun!
On toward my next destination, a visit with Pam’s brother in Chandler, AZ. But not before a side trip to Joshua Tree National Park. This was a scheduled stop I planned when I realized that it was only a short distance out of the way to AZ. Though I hadn’t planned to stop for long, I decided to drive through the park, and am so happy I did.
Pictures don’t adequately convey the vastness of space punctuated by hundreds, even thousands, of Joshua Trees, which are actually more cactus than tree. The rock formations were an added bonus. Rock climbers frequent the craggy uprisings. There is even one called Skull Rock for obvious reasons. I did not stop for a close up as there was a crowd and I wanted to get through the park. But this is well worth the visit if you are in the general area.
Exiting the park, I was at the east end of Twenty-nine Palms, CA. I turned right and immediately came upon a sign saying “No Services Next 108 Miles.” Into the desert I went. I kept thinking about how Hotlanta insisted I bring plenty of water on the trip – just in case. Fortunately, I didn’t need it, as my trusty Honda steed performed faithfully and fluently through the gradual rises and falls across the desert landscape. And what a landscape! Broken up only by distant mountains, the paved road I was on and often could see for many miles ahead, a few named, sandy roads that darted either left or right into the tumbleweed leading to humble trailers and shacks, dwellings of those who dared challenge the harsh desert environment. On to Phoenix. Too much fun!
My brother-in-law, Dave, and I developed a connection last year during the last days of Pam’s time alive on this earth. I’m not sure if it is our artistic affinity, our place in line as third of four siblings, or just our similar natures. Whatever it is, I appreciate him and am happy to have had the opportunity to visit him in his home and hang out for an extra stopover day.
Mexican food was finally on the menu. I’d been in the southwest for nearly a week and had yet to sample this cuisine. Dave took me to a couple places having different atmosphere and menus. Thank you, Dave!
Between eating and sleeping we found time to work on a 1,500 piece jigsaw puzzle (are you done yet, Dave?) and enjoyed a hot, rocky hike up the Telegraph Pass Trail, southwest of the city. Though a bit of a challenge, we enjoyed the outdoors, exercise, and companionship afforded to those who make the journey.
That’s a tall cactus in the distance on the ridge
We started at the level of those buildings, around the mountain to the right. Dave catching a bit of the little available shade
My time with Dave was yet another in a list of highlights I experienced during this cross-country trip. I appreciate just being in good company doing things we enjoy together. What a gift! Too much fun!
Traveling on toward my next layover in Santa Fe included an unexpected side trip to Petrified Forest National Park, a remote exit along I-40 in the middle of the desert. I enjoyed browsing the visitor center and gift shop, viewing (and touching) the exhibits, and adding several shot glasses to my collection. Unfortunately, the most interesting natural displays of petrified trees are near the south end of a 26-mile drive with no way back to the interstate except by backtracking. My daily trek was too long to afford the time, so on I drove. My stay in Santa Fe was short and uneventful.
On to Kearney, Nebraska. Another beautiful, windy, undulating drive through the mountains poured me out to the rolling plains of southeast Colorado. Sadly leaving the mountains behind, I left the interstate, taking state highways through NW Kansas and up into southern Nebraska. Four states in one day.
I could see billowing, cauliflower clouds building far in the distance in the direction I was going. Technology has its place and came in handy as I opened my weather app, flipping back and fourth between it and my route in Google Maps. This led to a series of route changes keeping me west of the storms. Unfortunately, they were directly over the Kearney area. I couldn’t avoid them forever. Fortunately, I went through only a few miles of downpour on I-80 as I approached Kearney from the west. The rain was over by the time I got there and it didn’t rain again until the overnight hours.
The mad dash home with cloudy skies and the final 471 miles ahead. I caught the heavy rain again in Lincoln as, in my mind, I barreled onward toward home. It was time. Unfortunately, traffic from Omaha east was heavy, especially for a Saturday, with the unavoidable road construction and semis passing semis, which actually caused more delay than all of the construction I encountered. I just want to get home!
And, of course, I did. The end of one of the best trips I’ve had in a while. Partly for what I didn’t experience along with the good times I did. I didn’t experience constant sorrow, nor the need to be home, nor the constant pain of missing Pam, she not being able to share the trip with me, nor even the ability to call and tell her about it. Yes, I did feel those things along the way. My thoughts and emotions are still sore, but healing. I am sad that life has to be this way. But I am glad that life goes on. And, so far, with me a part of it.
Thank you, Hotlanta, for taking the initiative to make this happen. I know it was good for all of us. And it was – too much fun!
(The second in this 3-part series to chronicle my recent trip. Just a short post)
Though the drive was mostly enjoyable, the vacation really began upon arrival at California Dreamin’s house. Once I parked the car at the motel, Hotlanta and I didn’t have to do anything the entire time we were there (except me playing music). OMG! A real vacation. What’s up with that?! Snacks, drinks, open air, patio with a view! Ah.
Within a couple hours, travel snacks ingested, we were strolling along Seacliff State Beach in Aptos. The beach and campground sustained significant damage from winter storms, destroying the pier and further sinking the ship which lays prostrate just off the shoreline. But the weather was clear and “warm”, the air hinting of salt, and the sounds of the waves rolling up on the sand. After more food, drink, and live music – me – we retired for the day. Too much fun!
With California Dreamin’ and her husband as travel guides, we ventured into the “country” for a hike in the woods on day two. Another beautiful day in the hills with plenty to gawk at including a redwood stand and a mighty Eucalyptus, both for which I lay in the path to take the shots. I even talked to the trees, thanking them for – being. Too much fun!
More food, drink, and music – the second day.
Happy Birthday, California Dreamin’! With more family joining in, we celebrated with balloons and decorations, gifts, and of course, food, drink, and music. The party continues – the third day.
Our last day with California Dreamin’ was pretty much rinse and repeat with even more family to see and share in the festivities. We had such a great time catching up with everyone.
As you would expect, the time went too fast, much of it just talking, munching, and feeling like family. It is wonderful to have healthy, happy relationships with siblings (all of them!) and their families – the fourth day. Too much fun!
Though this leg of the journey was most important and enjoyable, I won’t go into detail about our family interactions, making this the shortest of the three related posts. I’m sure you understand.
Stay tuned for part three of California – Not a Bust posting on Monday, June 26th
This is the first of three posts for “California – Not a Bust” chronicling my trip to CA for my sister’s birthday. These posts will publish on successive days beginning Saturday, June 24, 2023.
Why Trip Out?!
My California Dreamin’ sister just celebrated a milestone birthday. My Hotlanta sister wanted to be there for the celebration. I chose to go to satisfy birthday wishes for both. Hotlanta’s birthday falls on the anniversary of Pam’s death, May 12th. I wanted to give her a special gift so that she knows that I totally differentiate the two events. Making the trip was a win, win, win for the three of us and we got to see several family members as a bonus!
Getting there was fun – but not even half!
Planning well in advance reduces travel stress. But I was pleasantly surprised when I arrived in Sidney, NE the first evening to find that there were no rooms available anywhere close. Glad I had a reservation! It turns out that a matriarch of the Cabela family died a few days prior. The funeral was scheduled for the next day, but the viewing and Wake began the evening I arrived. I thought it was funny seeing several men in black suits, white shirts, and skinny black ties come out of the motel as I was entering. Lots of hustle and bustle inside.
Mary Cabela was one of Cabela’s’ founders. The Cabela family is from the area and is large. Apparently the motels were packed with extended family, friends, and probably a host of loyal customers.
My son and I were in the original Sidney Cabela’s in 2002. It was a sprawling one-story structure that looked like a strip mall on the outside, and a maze of rooms with various “departments” of sporting goods of nearly all types spread throughout. Cabela’s has since sold to Bass Pro Shops.
Day two brought a nearly immediate smile as the topography quickly changed to bluffs and pastures west of Sidney. The flats of eastern Nebraska faded in my rear view as I rose further above sea level, viewing small flocks of prong-horn amongst grazing cattle, some near enough to catch their gaze, others like polka dots in the distance. Too much fun!
Mountains loomed like low-level storm clouds in the distance as I approached Cheyanne, WY. Snow pack was still prevalent atop the taller ranges to the southwest. Before long I saw snow near the highway as I continued to gain altitude and began to weave my way through the rocky ranges.
To my delight, mountains surrounded me for the rest of my journey to Salt Lake City, my second stop. Wind and rain welcomed me as I traversed the city, ending up on the west side where I could see the Lake’s low water level from my motel room. Wind and rain continued into the night, the American flag in front of the building snapping so loud it woke me in the middle of the night.
The morning brought calm, sunny weather, ideal for the next leg of the journey. I drove along the south end of the lake for miles, as it transformed into salty desert landscape, flat as a table top, with mountain ranges surrounding both near and far. I didn’t realize that I was heading for the Bonneville Salt Flats until I came to the exit for the flats and the Bonneville Speedway. Though I’d traveled through here in 2006, I didn’t remember seeing them. Too much fun!
I continued west to Reno, NV through mountain passes and vast desert land, smiling the whole way. Fair weather, comfortable car, Goin’ Mobile.
I wish I could say that the entire journey to the south of the bay on day four was a pleasure. But as expected, California driving is not a California dream! Traffic picked up as I approached the state line, headed toward Sacramento. On west from there for a while then a sharp turn south toward San Jose. Traffic. Interstate parking lots for no apparent reason. Yep. Just what I expected. The one positive part of this experience was the presence of flowering shrubs and Eucalyptus trees in the medians and along the shoulders of the interstate. Unfortunately, I couldn’t gawk for fear of hitting another sardine in the tin, or the or the tin itself!
My sister chose to fly to CA, approximately nine hours door to door. I chose to drive three and a half days. We arrived at California Dreamin’s house within an hour of each other. Let the party begin!
Stay tuned for part two of California – Not a Bust posting on Sunday, June 25th
As this post is broadcast, I’m driving on the home stretch of a nearly two week trek to California and back. It’s been a great trip with excellent family connections, celebrations, and interesting side trips. All material for future posts.
But not this one. Instead I offer a lick and a promise of stories and travel reviews in the near future. It’s Friday night as I write, the last night in another motel. Not the right place or time to get it done. So, stay tuned for next week’s publication. I’ll try hard to make it worth the wait, and worth your while.
But true, none-the-less. I was in the car for most of the week. It’s difficult to write while driving. Hopefully, I am gathering material for future posts along the way. Consequently, this will be a short post, what Pam used to call a “lick-and-a-promise” type of post (though she was referring to cleaning the house).
So I would like to take this opportunity to convey my thanks, once again, to all of you, my faithful followers, for your continued reading. But also for your continued positive feedback for my subject matter and my writing. Wut Javia, including my writing, sharing music, and other aspects of my life, has become an integral part of my grieving process. Not only is it an outlet for working through my thoughts and emotions, but a medium for honoring Pam’s life; the life of the most amazing, caring, and truly nice person I ever met.
Thank you. Without your participation and encouragement, this past year would surely have been a much darker, more difficult path to navigate.
My current travels exemplify the process of moving forward with life. With an eye on the past with Pam, I am purposefully opening myself to experiences that might become part of my new life without her. I know this is what she expected of me, hoped for me, and approves of. I hope that I can live the rest of my life in a manner that continues to honor hers.
Just before leaving, I turned to look at my living room and said, out loud, “I know you are not here anymore. But I am taking you with me.” I did smile.
This week’s subject was supposed to be Egocentricity. But I’m putting that on hold to recount to you my Memorial Day weekend excursion. I promise I will still be egocentric when I write about egocentricity later 😉
I had an opportunity to spend some guy time with my son Daniel last weekend. The rest of the family was visiting other relatives. As expected, we picked up just where we left off; debating the world’s problems, contemplating the origins of the universe, reminiscing about our many travels, and eating fun and fancy foods.
The rest of the family returned Monday and I enjoyed playing my music to an appreciative audience (special shout out to Claire and Ellie who listened intently for quite a while). We had fun around the yard and later, eating pizza. Unfortunately, reality intervened as they had to get ready for school and work the next day.
Tuesday was supposed to be a day to chill. But I had seen signs off the highway for the High Trestle Trail Bridge. I had always wanted to get on that bridge. But I never made it during my bike/trike riding days.
Summer of 2006 before my solo tripMy roadster – lot of miles. Lot of fun
With plenty of time on my hands I set off to find the bridge. In this case, Google Maps was not helpful. It took me to a trailhead miles away from the bridge, no matter how I phrased the location. I stopped in Polk City for directions and was sent to Madrid. Another convenience store attendant gave me good directions to the trailhead from there. 0.9 miles from there to the bridge. I finally made it.
Guitar on back, I took off across the bridge. High temperature, hot pavement, warm breeze. It was great!
A view from the middle. I could hear a heron or gull or some water foul, but I never saw it. Some interesting history of the railroad
Looking back
There is an elevated overlook just off the west end of the bridge. Turn right, walk up, and there ya go. I’ve seen the Saylorville Reservoir near here when it was filled with water from tree line to tree line.
I sat in the shade, unzipped my guitar case and began to play. Too much fun. A single cyclist ventured up to the deck, peered through the free binoculars, and left again. Play more music.
An older man on a recumbent trike rode up, dismounted and peered over the rail. He then approached me and asked if he could record my playing. His girlfriend plays flute and performs with her friend who is a harpist. I’m not sure why he thought she would find it interesting, but sure, why not.
I played about half of I Look Away, including lyrics, “when I can see what you’ve done for me…” We got to talking. He said he could relate to the lyrics in his new relationship. Not what the song is about, but that doesn’t matter. He related. Isn’t that what music and artistry is all about?! He lost his wife a year and a half ago. An aortic aneurism. Fast. It’s always interesting to find connections with people when one is willing to open up. I’m happy to have met this stranger and share some humanity with him!
I played for a bit more, then began the return trek across the bridge. Another successful, unanticipated excursion. Check this minor bucket item off the list. I made it to the bridge and back again. Sounds like another lyric or title. Hmmm…
Hope you all were able to enjoy your Memorial Day weekend as much as I. Now we look forward to new, or familiar, summer activities. Not too long until Independence Day. That is definitely one to cherish. Let’s not lose our independence. Take that however it strikes you. And thank you to all who serve and have served, both living and passed, and sacrificed!
Bear with me for another short story before I go. A few of my walking routes take me past a Frog Hollow Kids Campus, basically a large day care center. Sometimes the children are playing outside. Sometimes they wave or say hi. Sometimes I return balls and frisbees over the fence.
Yesterday as I was walking past, a boy asked “Can you honk your horn or anything?” I answered, “No, sorry.”, and walked away laughing. Kind of made my day.
