Month: January 2023

Tell Me Anything But No

NOTE TO READERS: I’m out on a limb writing this one. It’s even more personal than most I’ve written. I apologize in advance to my children who may be reading. Sometimes it’s TMI to read about the lives of parents. But so be it. I hope something here is uplifting and, maybe makes you laugh.

Sometime Tuesday morning I had a dream. As with many dreams, it was a mix of realism and fantasy. This was very different from the insomnia I experienced last Saturday night, which I categorize as one of the five worst nights since Pam died. That wasn’t even a nightmare. I was awake. And the floodgates of remembrance and deep sorrow forbade me slumber for most of the night.

In my dream we were sitting together working on Pam’s laptop computer. We were clearly in our younger years. She was having trouble with whatever she was doing. I could tell that the battery was low so I went upstairs to plug it in. I found her in a bed (didn’t look like ours) with covers on, but she still looked cold so I added another. Pam was always cold. I just had to slip under the covers beside her – to help keep her warm ;-). She was wearing just an oversized T-shirt as was her way. As I cozied up next to her, Pam said, “Tell me anything but no.“

She got up to go to the bathroom, but didn’t return quickly so I got up too. We passed each other along the way. I went to the bathroom and had to navigate through a clutter of children’s nursery toys and various pieces of geriatric equipment (the bathroom wasn’t familiar either). Very frustrating. I have no idea what that was about. All I wanted was to get back to Pam.

Then I woke.

Do I want to be close to Pam? Yes!
Do I want to kiss her? Yes!
Do I want to hold her tight to help her feel safe, secure, and loved? Yes!
Do I want to lay close to her? Yes!

Did I want Pam to go? – NO!

But that’s the selfish me talking. I could say YES. It was time for her suffering to end. YES. It was/is time for me to let go. YES. You were wonderful and we all miss you terribly.

YES. I will love you until I die!

Contrary to how I felt after insomnia Saturday, I stood taller last Tuesday morning. Somehow refreshed. Somehow lightened by the memory of Pam before her illness, when our love wasn’t tainted by age or disease.

As I looked at her picture that morning, I cried – as usual. But then I laughed. I laughed at the consistency with which I look at her picture and cry. I laughed because, though I caught a glimpse of her dying – as usual, it was fleeting and was replaced by the image of “Yes.”

Oh how I wish grieving was linear. I’d know that I was nearing the end of a dark forest, a break in the clouds leading to sunshine. But as with the weather, and as one who travels across ever changing landscapes, I know there will be clouds and wind, pathless dark forests, mountains and valleys, as I continue to grieve.

YES!
Pam and I were – YES – not no.

Healing From Loss marked Tuesday morning with a simple message: Laughter is as much a healer as crying. I laughed at that too.

On Being Quiet

Quiet is not the same as silent. Without looking up the words and giving grammar lessons this week, silence is the absence of sound. Whereas, being quiet allows one to hear the sounds all around. I talk to myself. I am aware that sometimes I even answer. Scary, from what I’ve been told. But even without answering, I realize that I talk a lot, even though I know no one is here to listen.

Last Monday I woke to the sound of my own voice cajoling me to get up and get going. Having accomplished that, I began my morning routine; coffee, gazing at pictures of Pam, reading the daily passage of Healing from Loss, breakfast, etc. All the time talking. Usually I’m okay with talking to Pam even though I know she isn’t around to hear (let’s not get metaphysical here). But I also talk to myself – a lot!

I decided that rather than continue thus, I should try keeping quiet and listen to the various sounds; appliances, cars, sirens, ringing in my ears, clicking bones, chirping birds, rain, wind. Yes. it is worthwhile to shut up and listen even if I’m only listening to sounds and not anyone’s words.

So I’m trying to be quieter, trying not to think out loud. Not that I can stop thinking. Sometimes I wish I could. Trying not to talk to myself. I certainly don’t want to be unaware. Rather, I am probably more aware just by keeping quiet. It takes a conscious effort to stop talking. Having not lived alone for many years it is a change of habit for sure. Maybe quiet will provide for a better experience when I am not – quiet. How might it affect my music, communicating with friends and family, listening to strangers? Who knows? Maybe being quiet will provide for other topics I may not have been listening to.

Click the Pic
to listen to the song

The story behind the song (Wikipedia)

Don’t Jinx It!

jinx:
– noun: one that brings bad luck
also : the state or spell of bad luck brought on by a jinx
– verb: to foredoom to failure or misfortune : bring bad luck to

There I go with the words again! 🙂

I want to write a happy post – but I don’t want to jinx it.

I want to write about changes I see in myself and my grieving process – but I don’t want to jinx it.

I want to write about progress in my recording studio – but I don’t want to jinx it.

So I’ll write a short and, hopefully sweet message, also hoping that I don’t jinx – anything, and save these other topics for the future. Just in case the progress is fleeting, as has often been the case in my recent past.

I am home from my third trip to visit my sisters, Mom, and brother-in-law in the Atlanta area. It was the longest I’ve been away from home since I worked on site in my “glory” days. All three visits were different; the first was very difficult, coming just weeks after Pam’s passing. The second visit was in September. Though still filled with intense emotional turmoil, I was able to at least enjoy the company of my family.

This last visit was different. I woke up the morning of my leaving, not wanting to go. I realized I was afraid. It wasn’t about leaving Pam here in the house. I was actually afraid to leave the familiarity of my surroundings; my comfort zone. I felt very alone. But it only took about 1/2 hour to settle into my road psyche and begin to enjoy the scenery.

The drive to Atlanta was somewhat stressful as I took interstate highways most of the way. I was able to avoid some of my large nemesis cities like St. Louis and Nashville, but Chattanooga got the better of me. But all’s well that end’s well in that regard and I made it within an hour of my ETA.

Committed to keeping my message short, I will say that most of the visit was relaxed and enjoyable. I had time to play music, read, EAT!, and contemplate. All were good therapy for me – except for gaining four pounds. Well, maybe that was therapy too. Now I am home and want to carry the good things forward (except for the pounds that I hope to lose again soon).

I found a route home that completely avoided interstate highways and took me on many winding, hilly, scenic, roads through Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, Missouri, and, of course, Iowa. Though it took longer than the more direct interstate route, I enjoyed the driving, the scenery, and the interesting little towns along the byways. Pam would have enjoyed it immensely, except for the length of the drive.

I hope I won’t jinx things by suggesting that soon I can write about happy things; changes in me and my grieving for Pam; progress with my music. Something else to look forward to – no jinx intended!

Everything is Relative

Or is it?

Definition (Webster’s):
NOUN
1: A word referring grammatically to an antecedent
2: A thing having a relation to or connection with or necessary dependence on another thing
3a: A person connected with another by blood or affinity
3b: An animal or plant related to another by common descent
ADJECTIVE
1: Introducing a subordinate clause qualifying an expressed or implied antecedent
2: RELEVANT, PERTINENT
3: Not absolute or independent : COMPARATIVE
4: Having the same key signature —used of major and minor keys and scales
5: Expressed as the ratio of the specified quantity (such as an error in measuring) to the total magnitude (such as the value of a measured quantity) or to the mean of all the quantities involved

While sitting at the breakfast table of my sister and brother-in-law, I commented that it looked gloomy outside. My brother-in-law responded that he liked the weather and enjoyed looking out to see the overcast yet quiet skies. Clearly our outlooks on the weather are an example of the saying “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” “Sounds like a good topic for a blog”, I said to him.

My initial task was to figure out what such a post would include. Looking up the definition of “relative“, I hadn’t even considered that it is both a noun and an adjective, and the differences in relative meaning between the two groups of definitions. Comparing outlooks on the weather is an example of using the word relative as an adjective. Whereas my relationship to my brother-in-law uses the same word as a noun. Obviously, relative noun and relative adjective are related. Seems rather confusing.

I wrote a note on my outline comparing “want” to “desire.” But what about “want” and “need?” I’m afraid I’d end up drowning in a semantic whirlpool if I start comparing the meaning of all of the words I use when I write. Briefly though, what about want vs. desire? Want can mean desire. But it can also mean need, as in – in want of food or drink. When I use the word want, I think of something I desire, as opposed to need. I constantly wrestle with controlling my wants and use “need” as a comparison to help me curb my appetites. It doesn’t always work, but hopefully it serves to check and balance.

Is everything relative? Does it depend on whether we use the term as a noun or an adjective? Returning to the broader context, we are all related; as humans, as animals, as living, as organic – as cosmic energy and dust. Relationships at many levels; blood relatives, in-laws, friends. Are we relative to monkeys/apes and other mammals in a noun or adjective way? Interestingly, the answer is probably “yes.” Yet if we compare ourselves in social, economic, and political context, it is certainly relative in an adjective sort of way. Thus, it is all a matter of degrees or ratios. No absolutes. I’m often reminded of the adage about if you think you have a great house or car, someone has one better. Who’s to say which is the best?

Are there absolutes when it comes to relativity? Seems like a contradiction of terms. But not if we think of relative as a noun. I am absolutely related to my brother-in-law by marriage. Comparing myself to him is a whole different matter; different looks, different cultures, home locale. Even different marital status. The list goes on and on.

You made it to this point in my wandering musings about everything being relative. I have learned a thing or two in the writing. Whether you found it interesting or that it has been a waste of time – is relative. Or, have you made an absolute decision about it? Whoa! Wherever shall I go from here?

P.S. The adjective reference to music key signature did not go un-noticed. Maybe food for thought in another post.

P.P.S. It is worth noting that my brother-in-law is a linguist and knows several languages. We have fun punning with multiple word meanings and he often explains the origins and comparative meanings of words in other languages. How appropriate that his response to my statement evolved into the topic of this post.