Month: November 2022

Special Edition – 26th Wedding Anniversary

Pam and I were married on this date in 1996. Today would be our 26th wedding anniversary. It was a Friday. For years I would tease Pam because she thought of our anniversary as being the day after Thanksgiving rather than November 29th. We laughed about it nearly every year. Isn’t it funny what little things bring joy and laughter into our lives. It is wonderful.

Most of the wedding pictures show me looking at my bride rather than the camera.

Having our anniversary close to Thanksgiving helped by having some family already close by for the holiday. We had a simple ceremony with few people in attendance including two of our dear, longtime, happily married friends to stand up for us. It remains, and probably will be, the only time Pam’s and my children were together with us in the same place. That, too, was wonderful.

Look at that beautiful woman with the beaming smile!

But this year the timing of what should be some of life’s best celebrations becomes one of my biggest emotional challenges. I was a basket case for much of last Thursday! Fortunately, my son and his partner were with me and graciously endured my emotional breakdown.

I knew it was coming. I even warned them. But I wasn’t prepared for the depth of the pain that surfaced as I set the table, and the house in general ahead of their arrival, and during their visit. Pam so loved this season and even more so as it has included our anniversary for the past quarter century. I tried hard to make the place, and the day, something she would have liked.

I’m not sure how today will go with me since I exhausted so much emotional energy last week. Something inside tells me it won’t be easy. But I’ll have “Tacos” tonight in honor of the occasion. We loved to go for Mexican and had our special restaurant and favorite menu items (always including margaritas!). Pam called it going for tacos, but her favorite order was Chicken and Rice (Arroz con Pollo). Something else to joke about from time to time. The happy memories are wonderful.

(from an Apache wedding prayer) Thank you again, Kelley! We lived it as long as we could.

I miss her so much!

Directions

(Written a few weeks ago. Clearly I haven’t managed to move on enough to stop writing about Pam, and my loss of her love and companionship)

Moving along my new life without Pam includes writing posts about other subjects whether they be additions to previous categories such as travels or music, or something totally new. I have a category built in for politics, but I’m thinking I might not want to go there. “Musings” is my catch-all category for, well, almost everything I post.

But which direction should I go? I see travel and music in my future. I am preparing to hibernate over the winter months. That time is reserved for practicing my music in hopes of recording several songs while readying for public performance next year. The plan is to drop new recordings in this site as I complete them. I am also transitioning from daily walks to a rowing machine and other indoor exercises to be prepared to “hit the ground running” (not really running) when the weather warms next Spring.

Nothing big. But those preparations dovetail with travel plans. I still have a desire to drive around, short or long distance, asking local café and bar staff if I can play my music in a corner of their establishments. Something I looked forward to doing with Pam during our retirement years. They may say yes. They may say no. They may say “oh hell no” after listening for a bit. I also hope to combine performing with camping, a direction I have been and want to go again.

I have, however, received encouragement recently that boosts my ego enough to continue in this direction. I realized that I am a one-man garage band. My garage venue is positioned across from a city pond that brings parents and children, people with dogs, runners, walkers, old and young, and fishers to enjoy the area. They hear me and see me. I’ve become such a fixture that many wave to me in passing or ask why I’m not playing at the moment. Once while I was walking around the pond a couple stopped to say they would miss my playing, because I too was walking. Just last night a woman who I didn’t even recognize asked me “No music tonight?” as she was jogging by. I answered that I just finished. She motioned her disappointment. I gave my thanks.

One of my reunion classmates recently surprised me at the main event when he walked in and said “I remember you.” Unfortunately, I didn’t recognize him. But I asked why. He answered that we were in the same home room and that I once brought my guitar and played for the class. Fifty years later he still remembered. What a compliment. I told him his words were great to hear at this juncture of my life, and thanked him.

During a time of personal uncertainty it helps to have plans and goals, directions in which to go. Without them, the days would be endlessly sad. They are sad enough as is. So I look forward, as I review the past and live for today. I am confident that Pam would approve.

Westward from Lolo Pass

On Being Alone

Just one of the components of grieving the loss of a spouse, partner, significant other.

Sometimes I feel very alone. Mostly in the evenings when I no longer have the energy to keep busy with – whatever. Recently I wondered about the difference between being lonesome and being lonely. Based on Webster’s, it seems they are intertwined:

Lonesome:
sad or dejected as a result of lack of companionship or separation from others; causing a feeling of loneliness

Lonely:
being without company; cut off from others; not frequented by human beings; sad from being alone; producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

Though these adjectives do describe me, I am not without hope, nor am I in despair. In a broader sense, I am not alone. I have loving and supportive family and friends. I wish I was geographically closer, but I am comforted in knowing that they have me in their thoughts and hearts and, if I “need” to, I can call or text them at any time.

A longtime friend of Pam’s and mine, who’s husband died of Parkinson’s about two years ago, sent me a book called Healing After Loss, by Martha W. Hickman. The passage for November 17th (this year it was Thursday) speaks directly to this topic and includes the following:

“Together we realize that ‘no man [or woman] is an Island.’ We know that, while we are still sad, we are not alone, and that love, often forged out of sadness, is life’s greatest gift to us all.”

I am sad that Pam no longer lives. She was beautiful in so many ways. Her life was cut short by an insidious disease. I am certainly lonesome and lonely without her. I would give anything to have Pam with me still. But I think I am beginning to accept being alone for the first time in my life. I want to embrace being alone. I need to experience aloneness, yet still live in the love she had for me, and I for her, and pass it on.

It helps to know that I am not really alone. I interact with people every day, whether they be family, neighbors, or friends, sometimes even with strangers. And though I have no expectations, I leave open the possibility of companionship and love. That I might not always spend all my evenings alone.

Six Months

Today marks another sad milestone. Pam passed away on May 12, 2022 at 1:48am, unofficially, and 2:39am officially. Time has only begun to dress the deep wound of her passing. Those of us who knew Pam and love her, at best contemplate an eventual scar that we view with thankfulness for being touched by her. And sadness and emptiness for losing her. “A gentle woman with no guile. That’s why I love you Pamela Sue.”

I can only attempt to emulate the beautiful person she was. It’s a good aspiration. Love one another!

26 Weeks

Pam exhaled her last breath 26 weeks ago at 1:48am early Thursday morning. 2:39am was her official time of death. Though our lives had been changing over weeks, months, and years due to Pam’s illness, nothing prepared me for her final days and passing. Life goes on – minus an amazing, loving, kind, and gentle soul. We love you and miss you Pam!

PBS or CBS?

Power, Balance, Stability
or
Confidence, Balance, Stability
or
BRS

No, not what you expected based on the title.

Though I want to balance (no pun intended) my posts with topics besides Pam and my grieving process, the fact is that I am still grieving, and I miss Pam intensely, every day! I am making some progress. I have been following through on my traveling. And I have my recording studio setup, though I still have a substantial learning curve on knowing how to use it.

But all of that is off topic. Occasionally, I wear the very beautiful ring I inherited from my Dad, on my right ring finger. I wore it some while Pam was still alive, but more often now that I no longer wear my wedding ring (It, along with Pam’s wedding ring, are on a chain I often wear around my neck). Mom, with a jewelry designer friend of theirs, created the ring and had it crafted. Dad left it to me. I try to keep it safe for special occasions.

Last week I remembered that I purchased a Qalo silicone ring to wear while backpacking, in lieu of my gold wedding ring that I didn’t want to lose, nor cause harm to it or me. I remembered where I’d stored the Qalo and retrieved it.

But a bit of background. Pam and I picked out our wedding rings independently in Clear Lake, and found that we had both picked the same rings!!! Go figure. On our wedding day, receiving the ring from my beautiful bride, I found that she had the ring engraved on the inside with “HITYLTILY”, our little code for “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You” a song written by Van Morrison. We were also familiar with the version released by Rod Stewart. So, when I purchased the Qalo ring, I had it engraved with the same initialism.

Okay. So now I have this ring that I didn’t get properly sized and fits best on my middle finger. So, that’s the finger on which I wear it. While I was taking my daily walk, I wondered what significance wearing a ring on a middle finger might have. One of the reasons I never got my ear pierced was for fear of sending the wrong message based on which ear I would wear it. And we are all familiar with one middle finger interpretation.

I’m finally to the point. Hopefully, the background has been worth your time. I looked up the meaning of wearing a ring on the middle finger and found that it portrays Power, Balance, and Stability. But I immediately thought of the word Confidence and liked it. Though I don’t often feel confident, balanced, or stable these days, I do think these words reflect what I strive for and hope Pam would want for me. So, I plan to wear the ring often, thinking of Pam, and hoping, with confidence, balance, and stability, for the future. It seems such a contradiction to me. Missing Pam so much. Feeling the pain daily. But wanting/needing to build a new life without her – for her.

P.S. The BRS mentioned above stands for Beauty, Responsibility, and Self-analysis. Certainly not vouching for beauty. I hope I am responsible and take responsibility. As for self-analysis, I never had a problem analyzing myself before. I hope I can get back to that level of OCD! I’d be giving myself a break. Hah!